Monday, November 18, 2019

Keepeth My Daughter a PURE Virgin OR ELSE Fer-boy

Okay this is how this whole discussion of marriage in Act IV would have happened in modern times:

PROSPERO: So my daughter? Yeah, she's a virgin--mainly because we've been stuck on this island since she was 3-years-old. But also, I'm really controlling and focused on the idea of keeping her "pure" or whatever that means, so can you like...just not hook up? Until you're married? You know like us good ol' Christian and law-abiding folks do?
FERDINAND: I don't know man, er--I mean sir...I love her and so I really like, respect her, and if she wants to hook up then...I'm not gonna argue with that to be honest.
MIRANDA: Life! Love! So many possibilities I had never even dreamed of! Let me just live life to the fullest and experience everything!
PROSPERO: MIRANDA, NO! PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE! I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU TOUCH HER VIRGINAL KNOT--
FERDINAND: Hey man...you need to cool it. She isn't your property, and you need to stop acting like this marriage is you passing your property onto me. I love her, and she loves me, and that's totally cool, so we're just gonna ride that totally tubular wave.
PROSPERO: She IS my property and everything needs to go HOW! I! AM! PICTURING! IT! It's my way or the highway so you just need to deal with it or I'll cause another storm and kill your surviving family and friends!
MIRANDA: Wait...what did you say Dad?
PROSPERO: What? Nothing? *casts an illusion spell to make them forget the last ten seconds* What I mean to say is...I care about you, and don't you want to be the best wife you can be to him? To a prince?
MIRANDA: How does what we do in the bedroom make any sort of difference though, father? Won't I still be the person that I am? The person that he fell in love with? How will I be any sort of changed?
PROSPERO: Your...body will be different. And that's what's not okay. You just like...*need* to be a virgin okay?
FERDINAND: *whispers to Miranda* If you had been outside of the island...these are really dated conceptions your father is speaking of. Women used to be seen as property, and that's *totally* not how it is anymore. You can do whatever you want with your body! We'll discuss this alone later tonight.
PROSPERO: I HEARD that--what? Oh. I need to go take care of something. Don't come within two feet of each other until I get back! *runs away*

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